Tent

Someone is camping in my head

He's lit the fire

Which has spread to my whole body

Overwhelming

Wanting, craving, motivating

Loving

Travel with me

I'm on a long train ride to my next destination, and you're all I can think of. Pure joy and elation, I can't wait to be with you. I want to shout from the rooftops that I love you. I want to dance and laugh and be silly. Your response to the letter last night quelled any anxieties I had. You were so understanding and I look forward to you sharing more with me too. I think the next 20 days will be a good 'personal space time' for both of us to think about what we value in ourselves and in each other. It will be hard to be alone all the time travelling and having you constantly in the back of my mind, but I know it will be worth the wait. I can't wait to run to you, to throw my arms around you and kiss you. Soon.

Express mail to you

Dear _______

I’m writing this to you because 

a) you’ve never received a letter in the mail, and we need to check that off your list 

b) I need to tell you whats going on inside my head, and this is a somewhat safe medium to do so as it grants you the freedom to reread, reconsider and formulate your response upon my return.

Thank you for our week in New York. I will never forget it. It was a dream to spend the time laughing and exploring with you, I had an amazing time, and for that I cannot thank you enough. Its probably one of the happiest times of my life. I was apprehensive before you arrived that spending 24/7 for 7 days was going to be too much, that we would get sick of one another, or that we might discover traits about each other that were off-putting. In my everyday life back in Sydney, I do most things alone - I enjoy my own company. Hence why I was anxious about how I would cope with having to consider someone else the whole time. But it easy. You made it easy. You’re a treat to be around.  

Throughout the time we spent together my affection for you grew and grew, to the point that now, a week later, I can’t get you out of my head. I’m infatuated. But I have also been pondering my own actions during that week, wondering whether I opened up enough to you and didn't just be my silly self the whole time. You bring out the fun hyper side of me, we seem to find each other hilarious. We had moments of seriousness and deep conversation - I feel like I know you a lot better now, and understand where you’re coming from a lot of the time. I think I was scared to share with you because I didn't want to ruin the trip by you realising that I wasn't the girl you came all the way to New York for. From that first day when your letter said you were in love with me, I was apprehensive. No one has ever loved me romantically. I fear that you have this ideal or construction of me in your head, and I worry that once you know all of me, the two versions might not align. This, however, could be my own insecurities about my own worth, which I will explain more now. 

So the secret. 

I have written and re-written this part 4 or 5 times now, I really don’t know how to say it. Its not some big secret. I wasn't molested as a kid, I wasn't adopted, I don’t have bipolar or schizophrenia.  I don’t even know what I have. I have been misdiagnosed a couple of times now, but the ensuing therapy has taught me some amazing ways to approach life. I guess I’m going to just say the things that plague me now and that I’m still working on. I’ve spent the best part of this year in an 6 month cognitive behaviour therapy course, so you’ve met me at a time where I feel like I have a handle on things. 

I struggle with seeing my worth. I often wonder if I just disappeared no one would care. I don’t have many people in my life who I feel close to, its just been my luck that a lot of them have let me down or left me. Which brings me to my second problem: my fear of abandonment. I blame myself for a lot of things, I’m very self critical, and so doubt that people will want to stick around. Once they do, I then begin to fear that they will leave or that they will get sick of me, or that I’ll do something wrong to make them leave. This is the problem that I’m working on the most. I need to listen to my own advice ‘If people like you and value you, they will make the effort to stick around, and if not then its their loss.’ Thats what this trip was meant to be about - a final test to see how emotionally self-sufficient I could be, and be ok with not having anyone close in my life, being my own best friend. 

And then you came along. Wow. You were a breath of fresh air. You ticked all my boxes - you’re a cutie, a thinker, a great companion and an affection lover. From the moment you left New York, I became uncertain for the future (I’ll admit I cried a little). But I see this, “us”, now as a test of everything I’ve learnt this year. I’ve never been in love, I don’t know how to love. I care too much for everyone and everything - I’m an intense person, I give myself passionately to the things and people who are important to me. Some may see this as an undesirable attribute, but I think it makes me me. Whats the point in living and doing something if you don’t give it you all? Why be in someones life if you don’t really care about them or are willing to sacrifice things for them? 

If you can’t understand what I’ve told you or want to reconsider your proclamation ‘madly deeply in love with you’, I get it. But I see no point in hiding it anymore - you’ve gotten to know me really well by now, and if you really do feel this way, you’ll accept these traits. If not, then its not meant to be. I worry, I overthink, I love, I persevere, I laugh at things that aren’t typically funny, I’m fascinated by the world around me and how we behave in it. 

I think we make a good team, you make me really happy and I love being around you. 

Ponder this letter, tell me what you think and if, after reading it all, you still want me around. I’ll be ok if you don’t, but do me one favour and tell me before I return. I don’t want to be coming back with the hope of kissing you and loving you. 

See you on the flip side,

________

As I let my body go

Immanuel Kant:

"act so as to treat people always as ends in themselves, never as mere means". 

Everyone is intrinsically valuable; we ought therefore to treat people as having a value all their own rather than merely as useful tools or devices by means of which we can satisfy our own goals or purposes. Other people are valuable not merely insofar as they can serve our purposes; they are also valuable in themselves.

I'm so close to giving myself to you, as my end. I care so much for you, I hold you in the highest regard and value, yet I'm terrified that what I'm feeling is far greater. I guess thats the anxiety of romance - uncertainty of the others desire and need for you. Neurophysicists say that love affects the brain in the same way that drugs do - addiction to those feelings of bliss and panic when uncertainty arises.

You make me feel at ease, happy, not fearful of scrutiny, like I mean something to someone, and best of all you make me smile so much. I'm addicted to that feeling. I want it so much, not knowing when and if I'll get it again is draining me now.

My expectations are muted, but my fear is augmenting. I terrified of getting hurt again, to be led on. I love you and that scares me immensely.